Guidelines for Dating an Alien Girl

You know, when a person has insight into a delicate matter, it becomes their moral responsibility to share such knowledge with people. This is why pundits are asked on television to talk about the politics of the day, why retired footballers become football analysts, and  why people who receive visions from deities open up places of worship.

The only thing I know is alien girls. And I see you. You have moved to the big city. You have earned a decent job. You have secured a studio apartment. The only thing missing is a missus. Because you aspire to great things; an alien girl is just right for you. They may be seven feet tall, with sky blue skin and antennae jutting from their foreheads, dangling above their orange hair, but if you play your cards right, they’re not unattainable.

The Meet

I don’t need to tell you how important the meet is. I know you see alien girls at malls, in gyms, on walkways. My guy, you do not want to approach one at any of these places. Alien girls are not easily impressed by a fancy Toyota, or second-hand Mercedes Benz. They don’t respond  to ‘fine girl,’ in traffic. They have spacecraft, my guy. You will be snubbed so hard you would feel invisible. Alien girls are guarded and suspicious. If you truly want to date one, it is best to play smart.

An alien girl’s defenses are down during our cultural events. New Yam festivals and burial ceremonies where canopies are set up  in the streets and roads are blocked, there! Alien girls are fascinated by those sorts of things. You’ll find them dancing in the crowd, surrounded by little children screaming, ‘ELEEYAN! ELEEYAN!!’ If a masquerade is out, ah, the best. They enjoy being chased by olobo. You must assess her sprint and position yourself along her path. Hand her an unopened bottle of water when she is clear from danger. She will cackle like a hyena and thank you. A conversation will follow, and when you ask if this is her first Ine Festival, you can be sure she will say it is her tenth or something like that.

The Translator

Alien tech is so cool, my guy. Her translator is the reason you will never have to worry about a communication gap. If you’ve not been close to an alien before, you may not have noticed this: a thin wire runs behind an alien’s ears to the nape of their necks. This device is called a translator, and it translates your language to her while she will speak back to you in your language through her voice box. Brilliant stuff, yes?

When you guys are frolicking, you must be careful not to disconnect this wire. Interference can mess with her brain and drive her nuts, and you don’t want to deal with her then, bruh.

The benefit of the translator is that you can speak any language to an alien girl, and she will understand you and reply in the same—Enuani, Ukwuani, Urhobo, Isoko, Pidgin, anything. The downside is this: when you take her home, your sisters will be unable to gossip about her. She is likely to not get gossip and mistake the whole thing for a conversation. Like, she might tell them that just as her blue skin looks odd to them, their ebony skins look strange to her too. Awk–ward.

The Antennae

You know how the Vikings revered their beards and considered them sacred? That’s the antennae for alien girls. Those two tiny strands of flesh standing ten centimeters high and protruding from her forehead are the holy of holies. It is important to pay attention to her face and eyes, but nothing can tell you more about how she feels than those antennae. When they droop towards each other, she is sad. When they bend away from each other, she is bored. When they stand erect, she is excited. When they glow, she is transmitting. I know this last one startles you; allow me to explain. An alien girl can catch radio waves with her antennae. Wild? Yes, I know. This is why she does not use a phone. She can text you simply by hacking into your phone’s signal.

The Date Nights

Date nights are inevitable. You may be tempted to take your alien girl on dates to the movies, or to karaoke, or to play snooker with the homies. Two words: do not! Here is why:

Aliens do not get singing. Karaoke will not work, because aliens believe music should be rhythm with no lyrics. Snooker is just a decent way to embarrass yourself. Aliens are excellent at math and permutations and any sport that involves any form of analytical comportment. So snooker, ludo, chess, and poker will be your undoing.

I would recommend an afternoon at the pool. You would have the added advantage of admiring her extraterrestrial body. Poetry nights are a good call. She is likely to memorize poems from a single rendition and recite them on your way home. Quiet dinners work too–as long as you pick a restaurant that serves alien recipes. You know they eat rice with chocolate, yes? And they prefer their meat raw, no? As long as it is washed and well-bled. Sha don’t get adventurous and take a bite. Stick to your egusi and eba.

The Vices

An alien girl’s moral compass and yours are different. They do not believe in God, or Allah, or Yahweh. Depending on how religious you are, this can be a bad or awesome thing for you. In either case, you must not be shocked when you find out that your alien girl loves cocaine or is an international assassin for the Yakuza. She will not enjoin you to partake in her excesses, this much I can assure you. You only have to respect her choices. Do not go telling her to think about what she is doing to her soul by killing gangsters. Mind your life.

You can bet a few hundred thousand Nairas that she will never be caught. Have you ever turned on the news and seen alien girls in handcuffs, being paraded by the Nigerian Police Force? Our laws do not even apply to them, and our pot-bellied politicians cannot wrap their heads around how to indict them through our constitution.

Kindly allow your girl do herself while you do you. Who knows, she may like your religious candor and worship with you one day.

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The Friends

An alien girl will have alien friends, duh!

When your alien girl takes you to an alien party, you must not drink like they do. Their alcohol tolerance is way higher than yours, do not go channeling James Bond and downing bottles of bourbon whiskey like alien boys do; you will just die for nothing.

At alien parties, they love to play this game where they go on a roof, spot a planet, or a star with a telescope and attempt to calculate its coordinates or something. The fastest person to get this wins and their reward is a bottle of spirit. Do not partake in such foolishness. Cheer your girl on, smile politely, drink a can of Sprite, and stay sober enough to drive home. You are welcome.

The Co-habitation

You know, one thing I find ironic is how aliens do not subscribe to the idea of marriage but love cohabitation to the ends of the universe. I am telling you, one week into dating an alien girl and she will move in with you.

You have no say in this matter. You will wake up on a fine Saturday morning, hoping to hit the gym and watch EPL games later in the day, and bam, your alien girl will be at your door with her bags. The only way it doesn’t play out like this is if you have no place of your own. In which case, she would give you the keys to hers.

If you live in a small compound, a fracas might ensue between you and your neighbors over parking space. It is a given that her spacecraft will sit somewhere. A considerate girlfriend may choose to park hers on the street. If your girl chooses this option, do not contest it. A spacecraft is very hard to commandeer. Only a fellow alien can steal it. And bruh, the alien community is tight. They never hurt their own. Never.

The Sex

I know you have been waiting for this one. Well, there’s no word to describe sex with an alien girl. It’s everything you have ever fantasized about and more. There are things an alien girl can do with her tongue that will make your head go skrrrr pa, pa pa pa pa paa! Make I burst your head. Aliens are immune to every known human STD. HIV oh. Gonorrhea oh. Herpes oh. My guy, just dey fire dey go.

The Spacecraft

Being inquisitive in itself is not a bad thing, as long as one can control it. I say this now because humans cannot keep their hands to themselves while in a spacecraft. You will need three PhDs in thermonuclear astrophysics to stand a decent chance to fly one. And alien girls do not have the patience to teach you all you need to know to pilot a spacecraft. Sit in your passenger’s corner, fasten your seatbelt and enjoy the ride. It will be wise to always carry your international passport with you. Your alien girl can pick you up from work, and while discussing what you guys would have for dinner, she’ll tell you she craves Nicoise salad from her favorite restaurant in Nice. Just like that, fiam, you will find yourself in France. I am not kidding. She is an alien and will be welcomed with open arms. You are a Nigerian man. At least, if you have your passport, they will stamp it and let you off with a stern warning. Maybe.

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The Future

Aliens hate, hate any topic about the future. They live in the now. This is why an alien girl will never ask you what you guys are, after a round of passionate sex, by 11:05PM. Talking about the future makes them anxious, reminds them of their home planet combusting into flames. They relive all that horror; their civilization burning to the ground, their people terrified and jumping on the few spaceships they could find, their leaders begging our governments for refugee statuses.

Never ask an alien girl about the future. She will pack her bags and get into her spacecraft and zoom off, and you my dear friend, will never, ever, see her again.

END

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